Chapter 30 - Assignment

Full disclosure, I was supposed to write this in a journal but I felt a little extra and I’ve been a little difficult student so the assignment got promoted for the world to see. However, I think it was overestimated how I actually feel, so hope you brought a flashlight because it’s going to get dark. Also full disclosure, this seems too personal than anything else because its only negative and not positive, so you can skip this if you don't need negativity x

Writing, to me, is a form of therapy. It’s something that just comes naturally.... unless I’m told to write a piece on how I feel as an assignment by my therapist. Not because I can’t write, but because I don’t know how I feel. What’s the word for exhausted, broken, dragged, stomped on? Merriam-Webster, please can you update your dictionary?

“Write a little about how you feel”

How do you feel when your world seems to be crumbling?

Not falling apart in one go, but in different crumbles. How do you feel when you are being tested in every part of your life? How do you feel when you are overwhelmed with family and friends? How do you feel when you can not maintain any kind of relationship with those around you? How do you feel when you are constantly disappointing others? How do you feel when you are unable to achieve your dreams? How do you feel when you are disappointing yourself? How do you feel when you aren’t able to be your real self in front of others? How do you feel when you just can’t anymore?

“I understand, but what is it that you feel?”

Honestly - I feel like you’re not listening to me. I can’t go on like this.

I can’t keep a face on all the time. I can’t pretend that I’m okay when I’m clearly exhausted. I can’t keep fighting for what I want. I can’t keep putting pieces together when things keep crumbling down. I can’t get any better than I am. I can’t stand any longer. I can’t fake it till I make it because it’s a scam. You keep faking it till the end and I can’t do that anymore.

“So how do you feel..?”

I feel like giving up.

I feel like a disappointment. I feel like flipping the board game. I feel like storming off. I feel like disappearing. I feel like slamming the door as I walk ahead. I feel like throwing my phone into the ocean. I feel like I need water because my throat gets so dry when I’m anxious. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like curling up under my blanket. I feel like crying. I feel like life hasn’t been easy on anyone lately. I feel like I’ve lost.

“Okay, so how do you really feel?”

I’m just tired.

I’m tired of smiling when I don’t want to.

I’m tired of replying when I don’t want to.

I’m tired of justifying when I don’t want to.

I’m tired of explaining when I don’t want to.

I’m tired of handling things when I don’t want to.

I’m tired of keeping up appearances when I don’t want to.

I’m tired all the time.

“What can we do to help?”

Just two things off the top of my head

1. Understand that this is not a phase. It’s no ‘you’re gna fall but we’re here to pick you back up’. There is no ‘we’re here to pick you up’, because the picking up only happens when the person is ready. I am nowhere close to ready. Unfortunately, being anxious or depressed does not mean we need someone around. We just want to be alone. Yes, it’s nice to have the options but, the options sometimes get tiring too. I don’t want to sit around trying to keep conversations alive, trying to make it seem like I am doing well at ‘coping’ with life. Why should I go through my issues, my health, and try to people-please? Let me be in my bubble.

2. Understand that people change. I had to start going to therapy, essentially because I believed I had changed. I sat through sessions asking my therapist on tips and tricks on getting the old Sara back. That was the worst mistake I could have done. I am now at a point where I learn everyday that I change everyday, things happen in life, you react to the things that happen, you grow and you change. So if you knew me 5 years ago, 5 months ago, 5 weeks ago or 5 days ago, and see a change in me, I know, I have changed. And for the most part of it, I’m proud of the person I’ve become. I’ve learned certain mechanisms that help me be the person that works for me. So if you’re unhappy with my change, I’m sorry you feel that way.
   

Also for reiteration purposes - there are things that we don’t want to hear most of the times:

• “Just rest”

• “It’ll be okay”

• “Can I distract you”

• “You’ve changed”

• “Could have at least called or texted”

• “Are you ignoring me”

We’re not in school. Can we graduate to adulting and just leave people be so they can sulk? Some of us are close to being hopeless cases, there’s too much damage done, we don’t need you to “fix us”, we just need some space to figure things out on our own.

“Anything you want to add before you leave?”

Dear friends and family - this isn’t me turning a new dark soggy leaf, this is not a phase, but this is the real me. Some moments I’m happy, but most of the days I’m tired.

Dear therapist, this was after meditating and I’m still quite negative. I don’t think meditating works for me but here is my piece on how I feel. I’m tired and looking forward to talking to you to sort myself out at 10am.

“Thank you for being honest to yourself. That’ll be your right kidney please $$”

Assignment complete.

--

It's not always rainbows and butterflies.

Sometimes the people you think to be happy and calm are going through the worst storm of their life. We know that this will pass. We know that it's not going to last forever. We know that we will come out stronger. But sometimes we just need to be true to ourselves and stop putting on a face that we don't recognize anymore.

Stay safe, be kind

Sara Haseeb

xo